Hands up who does self sabotages?  No, seriously.  Do you?  I need to know.  Am I the only one?

I am the queen of self sabotage.  Today is just the latest example.  I can pull 101 excuses for it but I honestly don’t know why I actually do.

Let me explain….

My diet has been doing really well.  I’ve lost 11.5lbs.  I am on target for losing my first stone this week.  Well, with a little more hard work I would have been.  I am completing my 10,000 steps most days.  I am ice skating twice a week.

In short, I have been really proud of myself.  The Boy has been proud of the effort I am making too, as has my mother.

Today I got into work and there were cakes and pastries.

I had two mini croissants, two chocolate croissants, 3 mini chocolate muffins and 2 mini blueberry muffins.  I then had a packet of crisps – but you know, the “popped” ones which are less calories.  Because it mattered at that point.  I then went on to have a club sandwich and wedges for lunch.  Then two bars of chocolate.

I feel like shit, on so many levels.

I feel like I have let myself down.  I feel like I have let The Boy down.  He is dieting too and finds it hard, but has stuck to it and I am so proud.  Same as my Mum who even sitting in hospital post major surgery is sticking to it.  She is just incredible.

I feel like a failure.  I don’t think that one needs much more explaining.

Then I hurt.  My stomach is swollen and sore.  I feel puffy.  I feel like I have too much stomach acid.  My back hurts – I don’t know why but it does.  I feel a little bit nauseous.

Just to finally finish it all off, I feel like my head is in fog.  I am struggling to concentrate so much so that a friend rang to tell me a funny story and I couldn’t even laugh despite seeing the humour in it because I was concentrating so hard on listening to her words.

I am constantly fighting to keep my eyes open.  I know this will pass in a little while but it’s a horrific feeling.  I feel like I’ve been drugged.

The worst thing is that it felt so good when I was eating it.  Is that what an alcoholic feels, or a drug addict?  It tasted good (except the chocolate muffins which tasted like they came out of a packet mix) and it instantly made me feel happy and satisfied.  For a moment before I had to cram more into my fat face.

No, wait.  That’s not the worst thing.  The absolute worst thing is that I am sat here fighting myself not to go and get anything else.  I want more despite feeling abysmal.

Going forward, I am going to start leaving my wallet at home or in The Boy’s car.  I can’t be trusted.  I also need to make varied and tasty lunches.  I need to get on top of things.  I’ve felt relatively good and positive recently so it makes this stupor feel even more upsetting.

So there you have it.  This is my confession.  It really is a confession too because both The Boy and Mummy read this, and the friend that I have coming for dinner tonight that I have prepared a really good and clean Slimming World meal for because she is on it too.

I am sorry.  I don’t know why.  Please don’t be too mad.  Just help me pick myself up again.

I am actually sat here in tears typing this.  I don’t think I have ever been this honest before about my diet.  Not in ‘public’ or to my friends or family.