Day One

8.00am – The Boy has charged off to Freshii in an excited whir to pick up our juices.

8.01am – Decide to hide in the shower for a bit longer.

8.15am – He is back and I’m getting nagged to come and have breakfast.

8.16am – I hate this week already.

8.20am – My drinking days have finally lead to something useful.  This nasty poopy looking juice is much more palatable if taken like a shot.

8.35am – Leave for work armed with more juices which don’t look as revolting.

8.36am – Decide walking makes me feel like a baloon filled with water sloshing from side to side.

9.10am – Decline chocolate and cry a little on the inside.

9.15am – Wonder if there is any chocolate left.

9.16am – Give myself a stern talking to and remember that I will be less bloated in 3 days and will be all happy and proud of myself.

9.39am – Write mental pro and con list to feeling happy and proud of oneself.

10.23am – Wonder how much longer I have to wait until my next juice.

10.49am – The Boy sends me a pic of his friends breakfast.  Call his friend an unflattering name and use the ‘finger up’ emoji to cover them both.

10.50am – Stomach growls.

10.51am – Look at the picture of the bacon and egg sandwich longingly whist  mouth waters.

11.05am – Start counting down the minutes until 12pm.

11.26am – Wonder if you have to stick to the three hour rule.

11.28am – Realise that if you do have to stick to the three hour rule, then no more juice until 12.15pm.

11.34am – Decide the 3hr rule isn’t a rule but a suggestion.

11.35am – Decide to wait until midday as have slight fear of the next taste sensation.

11.51am – Realise that the office doesn’t’ have shot glasses.

11.52am – Set reminder in phone to pack a shot glass in my handbag when I get home.

11.59am – Save current email and wait primed to get up and go to the fridge.

12.00pm – Open fridge door and shut it again after realising that a certain amount of mental preparedness is needed.

12.05pm – Open the fridge door and select Juice 2.

12.06pm – Return to desk and take the first sip.

12.07pm – Return to desk with a small glass and pretend it’s a jaeger-bomb style shot glass.

12.08pm – Realise that isn’t going to work and go back to the straw method.

12.10pm – Decide ‘red’ is my least favourite word.

12.11pm – Decide orange is my lease favourite colour.

12.13pm – Remember how much I dislike ginger.

13.06pm – Take last sip and feel virtuous.

13.09pm – I have an orange tongue.  Funny!

13.15pm – Sloshy feeling is back.

13.37pm – Someone has a toasted sandwich.  Am considering tracking them down and stealing it.

13.52pm – Funny feeling in my actual stomach.  It’s not too much acid.  It’s not hunger.  I don’t know what it is.  It feels weird.

14.04pm – Realise with two juices gone, it’s officially the half way point.  Hoorah.

14.05pm – Realise that it’s only the half way point of day one, and there is 10 more juices in my future.

14.56pm – Why can I taste salt?

15.00pm – Juice #3 time, but I can’t face it.

15.06pm – Decline kind offer of jelly sweets from lovely coworker.  Cry a little on the inside.

15.23pm – Hunger pang 😦

15.32pm – Weird meeting going on in the kitchen.  Can’t get my juice.

15.37pm – Green juice here I come.

15.38pm – Fucking ginger.

15.50pm – Decided this green one is the least revolting so far.  Just.

15.57pm – I take it back.  I don’t like this one either.

16.14pm – Convince this cup is secretly a magic refill cup.

16.24pm – Struggling with the last quarter.

16.39pm – I give up.  I can’t take it.  I am not drinking any more.

16.46pm – Acid hiccups.  Great.

17.20pm – Really don’t want any more juice today.

17.28pm – Discovered that Instagram is not a safe place.

17.32pm – Ditto Facebook.

17.41pm – Realised I have had 4 liters of water so far.

17.42pm – Starting to worry about peeing all night.

17.43pm – Wondering if it’s anything to do with the salty taste.

17.58pm – Realised that Juice 4 is due in 2 minutes.

17.59pm – Worked out that you can’t use 24hr clock and an am/pm marker too.

6.00pm – Taking juice home for later punishment.

6.03pm – Made The Boy taste the juice as punishment for saying it couldn’t be too bad. 

6.04pm – Bitched about the juice cleanse for the 10 minute car ride home. 

6.22pm – Put shot glass in my handbag. 

6.23pm – Poured first shot of juice 4 and gave self a pep talk. 

6.25pm – Took the shot and gagged. 

6.26pm – Took second shot and gagged again. 

6.27pm – Hid in bedroom. 

6.28pm – The Boy tracked me down with another shot of the evil red liquid. 

6.29pm – Got changed and avoided taking shot. 

6.30pm – Got blocked from leaving the room until I had the shot. Gagged. 

6.31pm – Was made to drink 2 more shots in quick succession. 

6.32pm – Negotiated that there would only be one more shot. 

6.35pm – Took last shot and inwardly celebrated. Outwardly gagged. 

6.40pm – Head to roof to swim. 

6.53pm – Realise that I should have taken off my mascara before swimming. 

7.16pm – Complete 30 lengths. 

7.23pm – Look in mirror at panda eyes, and regain my sense of humour. 

7.24pm – Shower and dream of salad. 

7.33pm – Consider getting back in shower to waste more time until 8pm. 

7.36pm – Run out of lotions and creams to apply. 

7.37pm – Ring friend for a distraction. 

7.49pm – Watch the clock and silently count down. 

7.58pm – Mum Skype’d. 

8.01pm – I promise to call back after salad. 

8.05pm – Disocered that I quite like Freshii’s balsamic dressing. 

8.38pm – Finish giant, tasty, amazing Metaboost salad. 

8.39pm – Mourn the end of the salad. 

8.40pm – Wish there was more salad. 

8.41pm – Look at the menu for Thursdays healthy meal day. 

8.57pm – Wonder if it’s too early to go to bed. 

9.02pm – Get first hunger pang. 

9.03pm – Skype Mum back for a good distraction. 

9.04pm – Admit defeat and hang up. 

9.05pm – Try calling Mum but discover the line is engaged. 

9.06pm – Watch “Snatch” with The Boy. 

9.08pm – Discover it’s a shit movie. 

9.09pm – Make mental list of what I want to eat. 

9.34pm – Run out of mental list room. 

9.35pm – Check Instagram. 

9.38pm – Add more to my mental list. 

9.39pm – Check Facebook. 

9.47pm – Add more to my mental list. 

9.59pm – Crawl into bed and write the following conclusion. 

CONCLUSION: 

Although today has been shit, it’s not thankfully been as shit as I expected. I absolutely hated the red juice. Turns out they weren’t in the order I thought so I have no idea which was which. They all were fairly poor. But the red one was devils juice. Thankfully the nice people at Freshii said I could switch it out for another. Tomorrow I now have a “Green Energy” (green apple, cucumber, lemon juice, kale, spinach, romaine and carrots) added to my list of healthy juices. I am however really quite looking forward to the salad already! 

The Boy’s conclusion: He doesn’t feel any different, but he is all positive still.