8.00am – The Boy has charged off to Freshii in an excited whir to pick up our juices.
8.01am – Decide to hide in the shower for a bit longer.
8.15am – He is back and I’m getting nagged to come and have breakfast.
8.16am – I hate this week already.
8.20am – My drinking days have finally lead to something useful. This nasty poopy looking juice is much more palatable if taken like a shot.
8.35am – Leave for work armed with more juices which don’t look as revolting.
8.36am – Decide walking makes me feel like a baloon filled with water sloshing from side to side.
9.10am – Decline chocolate and cry a little on the inside.
9.15am – Wonder if there is any chocolate left.
9.16am – Give myself a stern talking to and remember that I will be less bloated in 3 days and will be all happy and proud of myself.
9.39am – Write mental pro and con list to feeling happy and proud of oneself.
10.23am – Wonder how much longer I have to wait until my next juice.
10.49am – The Boy sends me a pic of his friends breakfast. Call his friend an unflattering name and use the ‘finger up’ emoji to cover them both.
10.50am – Stomach growls.
10.51am – Look at the picture of the bacon and egg sandwich longingly whist mouth waters.
11.05am – Start counting down the minutes until 12pm.
11.26am – Wonder if you have to stick to the three hour rule.
11.28am – Realise that if you do have to stick to the three hour rule, then no more juice until 12.15pm.
11.34am – Decide the 3hr rule isn’t a rule but a suggestion.
11.35am – Decide to wait until midday as have slight fear of the next taste sensation.
11.51am – Realise that the office doesn’t’ have shot glasses.
11.52am – Set reminder in phone to pack a shot glass in my handbag when I get home.
11.59am – Save current email and wait primed to get up and go to the fridge.
12.00pm – Open fridge door and shut it again after realising that a certain amount of mental preparedness is needed.
12.05pm – Open the fridge door and select Juice 2.
12.06pm – Return to desk and take the first sip.
12.07pm – Return to desk with a small glass and pretend it’s a jaeger-bomb style shot glass.
12.08pm – Realise that isn’t going to work and go back to the straw method.
12.10pm – Decide ‘red’ is my least favourite word.
12.11pm – Decide orange is my lease favourite colour.
12.13pm – Remember how much I dislike ginger.
13.06pm – Take last sip and feel virtuous.
13.09pm – I have an orange tongue. Funny!
13.15pm – Sloshy feeling is back.
13.37pm – Someone has a toasted sandwich. Am considering tracking them down and stealing it.
13.52pm – Funny feeling in my actual stomach. It’s not too much acid. It’s not hunger. I don’t know what it is. It feels weird.
14.04pm – Realise with two juices gone, it’s officially the half way point. Hoorah.
14.05pm – Realise that it’s only the half way point of day one, and there is 10 more juices in my future.
14.56pm – Why can I taste salt?
15.00pm – Juice #3 time, but I can’t face it.
15.06pm – Decline kind offer of jelly sweets from lovely coworker. Cry a little on the inside.
15.23pm – Hunger pang 😦
15.32pm – Weird meeting going on in the kitchen. Can’t get my juice.
15.37pm – Green juice here I come.
15.38pm – Fucking ginger.
15.50pm – Decided this green one is the least revolting so far. Just.
15.57pm – I take it back. I don’t like this one either.
16.14pm – Convince this cup is secretly a magic refill cup.
16.24pm – Struggling with the last quarter.
16.39pm – I give up. I can’t take it. I am not drinking any more.
16.46pm – Acid hiccups. Great.
17.20pm – Really don’t want any more juice today.
17.28pm – Discovered that Instagram is not a safe place.
17.32pm – Ditto Facebook.
17.41pm – Realised I have had 4 liters of water so far.
17.42pm – Starting to worry about peeing all night.
17.43pm – Wondering if it’s anything to do with the salty taste.
17.58pm – Realised that Juice 4 is due in 2 minutes.
17.59pm – Worked out that you can’t use 24hr clock and an am/pm marker too.
6.00pm – Taking juice home for later punishment.
6.03pm – Made The Boy taste the juice as punishment for saying it couldn’t be too bad.
6.04pm – Bitched about the juice cleanse for the 10 minute car ride home.
6.22pm – Put shot glass in my handbag.
6.23pm – Poured first shot of juice 4 and gave self a pep talk.
6.25pm – Took the shot and gagged.
6.26pm – Took second shot and gagged again.
6.27pm – Hid in bedroom.
6.28pm – The Boy tracked me down with another shot of the evil red liquid.
6.29pm – Got changed and avoided taking shot.
6.30pm – Got blocked from leaving the room until I had the shot. Gagged.
6.31pm – Was made to drink 2 more shots in quick succession.
6.32pm – Negotiated that there would only be one more shot.
6.35pm – Took last shot and inwardly celebrated. Outwardly gagged.
6.40pm – Head to roof to swim.
6.53pm – Realise that I should have taken off my mascara before swimming.
7.16pm – Complete 30 lengths.
7.23pm – Look in mirror at panda eyes, and regain my sense of humour.
7.24pm – Shower and dream of salad.
7.33pm – Consider getting back in shower to waste more time until 8pm.
7.36pm – Run out of lotions and creams to apply.
7.37pm – Ring friend for a distraction.
7.49pm – Watch the clock and silently count down.
7.58pm – Mum Skype’d.
8.01pm – I promise to call back after salad.
8.05pm – Disocered that I quite like Freshii’s balsamic dressing.
8.38pm – Finish giant, tasty, amazing Metaboost salad.
8.39pm – Mourn the end of the salad.
8.40pm – Wish there was more salad.
8.41pm – Look at the menu for Thursdays healthy meal day.
8.57pm – Wonder if it’s too early to go to bed.
9.02pm – Get first hunger pang.
9.03pm – Skype Mum back for a good distraction.
9.04pm – Admit defeat and hang up.
9.05pm – Try calling Mum but discover the line is engaged.
9.06pm – Watch “Snatch” with The Boy.
9.08pm – Discover it’s a shit movie.
9.09pm – Make mental list of what I want to eat.
9.34pm – Run out of mental list room.
9.35pm – Check Instagram.
9.38pm – Add more to my mental list.
9.39pm – Check Facebook.
9.47pm – Add more to my mental list.
9.59pm – Crawl into bed and write the following conclusion.
Although today has been shit, it’s not thankfully been as shit as I expected. I absolutely hated the red juice. Turns out they weren’t in the order I thought so I have no idea which was which. They all were fairly poor. But the red one was devils juice. Thankfully the nice people at Freshii said I could switch it out for another. Tomorrow I now have a “Green Energy” (green apple, cucumber, lemon juice, kale, spinach, romaine and carrots) added to my list of healthy juices. I am however really quite looking forward to the salad already!
The Boy’s conclusion: He doesn’t feel any different, but he is all positive still.