Friendship, reflection and self realisation

In the last few years I have taken a number of hits in regards to friendships.  People who I thought were very good friends have disappeared.  It has hurt, but I have made peace with it.

However, it all came up again this morning when I discovered that someone had blocked me from their social media accounts, except Facebook which they had simply put me on ‘restricted’.  While I knew we weren’t close friends any more, I didn’t think that we were in that place.

I was really upset, actually.  I know it’s a bit daft but I think it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.  Friendship means that world to me but I appear to have fairly poor taste in people.  Not all the time, but sometimes with what I have thought of as close friends.

On my walk this morning I was trying to work out why.  And I think I maybe have…

I am drawn to people who aren’t like me.  People who sparkle.  Who are the life and soul.  Who have big personalities.  Who bring me out of myself.  These are the people that I somehow manage to form very quick and close bonds with.

Upon further thought, these are actually the people who are critically insecure and need the constant attention of people.  Anyone will do.  They just can’t take any of the spotlight, so people who aren’t as outgoing or confident are perfect.

This thought snuck into my head unnoticed until it was pushing everything else out of the way.  The more I thought about it, the more I think am right.

My enduring friendships are with calm, kind, beautiful souled people.  They are the ones I can go for weeks without speaking to and know that it will be the same.  They are the ones who I can move countries away from and yet still have a close bond.  They are the people I can be entirely myself with.

I mentally put my new found “sparkly people” theory to the test.

The first time I remember it happening was with “J”.  I noticed that we weren’t in contact like we used to be and tried to approach it.  I extended an invitation to him to come and discuss it at a neutral place so we wouldn’t be disturbed and could sort it out properly.  It was all agreed, right until the day when I turned up and waited for 2hrs before deciding I had been stood up.  We have not spoken since.

There was “L” who I had known since my teens.  She was a very good friend and came to visit when I moved.  I introduced her to all my friends.  She got on fabulously with some of them.  She then moved too.  She took over.  She gathered some of those people – the other ones who are attracted to the sparkle.  Then when she was settled, only time I ever heard from her was when something wasn’t going well or she was ill.  Eventually I decided enough was enough but it look me a long time.

Then there was “E”.  We both went through a horrendous time, and supported each other through it.  We were there for each other no matter what.  When we were both back in a good place I noticed that I was the only one making contact with her.  Then I decided to see how long it would take her to reach out.  After 3 months I just deleted her.  Not my most adult decision but it was easier than discussing the hurt I felt.

“A” was probably my biggest upset as I still have no clue what triggered her to declare that our friendship wasn’t worth bothering with.  We had been incredibly good friends, or so I thought, for years and then suddenly I was “dumped”.

I think that’s why this morning’s discovery was so much worse.  It was someone who had believed lies that “A” was spreading about me.  I thought we had gotten over it but sadly not.  18 months after the lies were told we had an adult conversation as to why our friendship wasn’t working and parted on good terms.  Or so I thought.  Good terms to me wouldn’t be blocking  someone.

Working through the major friendship breakups made me realise that I was actually right.  I had found my weakness.  The discovery helped me make peace with my initial hurt, but it also made me think even more…

What is it about me that meant that these horrible types of non-friendships keep fooling me?  Why am I mislead by people so easily?  Why do I allow myself to be hurt like this?

Then after a good amount more stomping, it hit me like a giant lightening bolt.  I realised this happens because I allow it.  I allow myself to be treated badly.  I allow myself to be used.  Not only that, I ignore my instincts and become swept up in that persons sparkle and drama.  I then put way to much time and energy into helping them through whatever drama it is, and so when it’s not a huge problem anymore, I don’t hear from them as much.

I do this to myself.

I don’t respect myself enough.

Well, that stops now.  I am sick of crying and being hurt by people who obviously don’t have respect for me.  I am sick of crying because I can’t respect myself enough to expect my ‘friends’ to treat me in the same way I try to treat them.

I have never been popular.  Not even at high school when you’re meant to make long lasting friendships.  I know a few people still I went to school with but we aren’t close.  I really didn’t think I chased popularity but maybe, in my own way of chasing those popular  or sparkly people, I actually do.

I thought I needed the reflection of their sparkle to make me shine.  I am not a sparkly person bu nature.  But now I know I don’t want those people around me any more.  I want real people.

The people whom I love most in the world and whose friendship has endured, sparkle in their own unique way on their own without help from anyone.  They don’t crave attention from the world on mass.  They are happy to just be.  I need to learn from them.  I need to learn how access my sparkle for me.  Then the right people, the good people, the real people will continue to be my friends.  I just don’t have a clue how. But at least now I feel like I am one step closer to working it out.

For the time being, while I work all that stuff out, I am going to take a moment to celebrate those friendships that I do have.  The ones that despite my chronic laziness, continue to thrive.  Those who I know I will have in my life because we have proven to each other numerable times we are here to stay.

Those people who sparkle brighter than any of the stars in the sky to me.

My Albert
Albert and I cant work out how long we have been friends but have agreed to say 17yrs because it sounds about right!!
Catherine (Twinnie) and Kathleen, who I met at 16.
Kate, who was my boss in 2001 and now I am godmother to her son.
Terri, who I met in 2000 and who is still my rock
Jennie, who I have kind of known since infants school, and Martyn who I have known since I was 15, who always make time for a BBQ when I am home even if the weather is pants!
Miss Lu-Wella, who makes a room shine just by being in it.
Miss Janey, who never gives up trying to make me healthier.  Now THAT is love!!
Lesley (Lil’Mama), who has one of the purest hearts on the planet.
Sharon & Jono, who gave me their friendship and trust with no holds barred and continue to share that with me.
Justine, who bought me to Dubai and kicks me back into gear every time I need it – which is a full time job!
Hellie, who doesn’t know how to have a friendship without giving herself to it 100%.

14 Comments Add yours

  1. bonnielangille says:

    I agree and can relate wholeheartedly, Sharon. People are funny. I have had some come and go that I still shake my head over and I know I have a couple I should let go. It’s not easy when people disappoint for no apparent reason other than probably selfishness. The ones who use all of your good and run with it without looking back and have no conscience to the hurt they leave behind. I get it! Like you though, I have my handful of faithfuls and I’m grateful for them. Sadly a good number are in Bermuda, but we’re still in touch fairly regularly. Treasure those that give a damn, I always say! B. xo

    1. I am sorry you can relate so easily. People are just horrible sometimes. Most of my good friendships came from Bermuda really. I think because it’s a much more laid back place, it doesn’t attract the wrong sort very often. Everyone (ok, not everyone but you know what I mean!) is much more relaxed and genuine. I miss that place!! Xx

      1. bonnielangille says:

        Oh me too, for sure! Last weekend the Bermuda Islands Pipe Band got to PERFORM with the Red Hot Chili Pipers as part of the Bermuda Festival of the Arts. I don’t know if you’ve heard of them, but they’re awesomeness personified as far as celtic groups go. Proof positive that life isn’t fair.

      2. A bunch of the people I know went to see them and posted pics. It looked fun! I did think of you and feel sad that you weren’t there too. One day!!

  2. Justine says:

    Agree, sometimes you just need to move on from people, you outgrow one another, def not take it personally, real friends will always be there! Love the pic lol! xx

    1. I think outgrowing is a very good point as well. I hadn’t thought of that. Thank you. Also it’s totally my favourite picture of us because it’s so ridiculous!!! xx

  3. Albert says:

    You have been very popular in my life, thats for sure!!!! And we have a two-legged lamp that can testify!!!!

    1. I wonder what happened to that lamp?! I love you heaps and miss you more xx

      1. Albert says:

        We really should have saved that lamp, I could have made it work in my house beautifully… Well either that or frame it and hang it on my wall… Its been the most influential appliance ever in my life… Love you mare than my luggage XXX

      2. From what Mum says, that thing was one step from a disaster. Did she make us throw it away? Did she while we weren’t looking? Did Dad?! Who knows but it’s always going to be the best lamp in the history of wedding marches and blessings!!!!! xxx

      3. Albert says:

        Your dad said it had to be gone by the time he returned, and to not ever rescue junk from the streets again… I don’t remember getting rid of it ourselves, must have been mom coming to the rescue…

      4. He was funny! He dealt very well with our chaotic friendship!! And Mum just messaged to say she has no recollection what happened either!!

      5. Albert says:

        Maybe the lamp decided that it has done its job and moved on to do another job… LOL!

      6. Entirely possible! It was after all, a magical lamp!!!!

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